heartbeat
by Swift-Star9
Summary: After Lucifer's defeat, Yukio goes back to the grave where it all began, to the time before he wore the Illuminati uniform. No pairings, only bittersweet sibling fluff.


**A/N** : Despite my hobby of tormenting Yukio, I really want the sibs to reconcile. But getting through Yukio's barriers is, well, freaking impossible. This is my shot at their reconciliation.

 **Important notes** : This is supposed to take place **_after_** the Illuminati conflict had concluded and Rin defeated Lucifer at True Cross Academy. Yukio was on the Illuminati's side until he intervened in Toudou's attempt to kill the exwires-now-exorcists, causing Toudou to lose Karura's abilities and die from rapid aging. He proceeded to alternate between sides until Lucifer's defeat, which psychologically pulverized him.

 **Music** : "Skyfall" by Adele and "Writing's on the Wall" by Sam Smith

 **Disclaimer** : Chapter 73 killed me, folks. Why would I make something that would kill me?

* * *

The dust made her mouth taste steely. True Cross Academy might have been built out of a fortress, but without the support of the keep below, parts of the town were collapsing. The resulting sinkholes had already demolished swaths of the Academy and North True Cross Town. Exorcists were working overtime, evacuating residents and students.

It was hard to believe the war was over. Hell, it was even more impossible to believe that they'd won. They were still beating back loyalists, but most of the Illuminati ranks had fled upon the discovery of Lucifer's defeat. They had taken into custody many of the surviving personnel.

Some were still missing.

"Shura!" She turned to see Yi running towards her. The relief washed over her.

"Thank god yer okay!" She let her old classmate pause to take a breath and Shura looked around to see if anyone is watching. She lowered her voice.

"Did yer found any signs of him?"

"Yes," Yi replied. "There are two exorcists unconscious by South Gate. Both report missing an hour of memory."

"The South Gate?" Shura turned around to see Rin hobbling towards them. She thought he'd be too injured to move, but that damn demonic healing ability seemed to have him up and about.

"What the heck are you doing up?"

"I'm gonna find him." Shura's heart sank.

"Hold it a minute! Rin, I get yer feel strongly, but we don't know where he is.

"I do."

"Wait-" Too late. Rin was already out of her sight.

"And of course you're already gone. Seriously. Shiro, I'll have yer know that those two freaking Houdinis are gonna drive me into an early grave…"

* * *

The sky was a humid pale gray, sheets of water still on the sidewalks. Yukio trudged through the puddles and mud. The cab driver would be waking up soon with no memory of the kid in a torn uniform who looked like he'd gone through hell.

He couldn't think. His mind was like static. His body was moving and he didn't understand why. He spoke but the words had no meaning. He ran but there was no urgency.

It was all over. They had lost. He had lost. Didn't feel like it mattered. What had been once so crystal clear in his mind was gone, swept away in the white noise. He was rage and calm, and he couldn't decide which he felt more... or maybe he didn't feel anything anymore?

He stopped suddenly, panting. He stared down at a recent grave marker, covered in leaves, dead flowers and rain.

"Here you are." He felt the sour smirk tug his face. "Here you are, goddammit."

Invisible strings holding him up snapped and he fell to his knees. He reached out to hold the stone, feeling the cold sopping granite.

"I… I messed up, Father. I'm messed up. I did things and I don't even know if, if I was wrong or if they deserved it!" He wiped his face, trying to keep the snot from falling and tainting the earth.

"I told you I'd live by your example. I swore to you that I'd protect him. How did I live up to that? By leaving him, by turning against him and shooting him and, and-"

He slammed the ground with his fist. The bone sprain sharpened his mind, seeing blue as his body unconsciously accessed the power to heal the injury.

"And it's your fault," he hissed at the grave. "You didn't tell me. You would have had me live each day without knowing, hoping I'd just become a normal human. You knew, and then you went and died and… I didn't have anyone!"

The words stripped the wind from his chest. He was panting, trying to catch his breath to unleash the rest of the tirade storming in his mind. His arms were on the ground, as if begging forgiveness. He saw the demon blade cuts on his arms, very slowly knitting. He dragged the arm against the stone, breaking the injury open.

"I'm not like you and Rin. I'm not even supposed to exist. Just a one out of ten thousand statistic that happened to be born, happened to stabilize Rin's power so it didn't kill him at birth."

He looked at the grave again, gaze narrowing.

"I wonder just how much you knew when you picked up Kurikara from Kyoto. How much were you in on Mephisto's set up? How far did you go in your investigation of the Illuminati? If anything, maybe you could have stopped the situation. Maybe you could've kept Mephisto from winning."

Keep Mephisto from winning, what a thought. He started laughing at himself, falling on his back to stare at the sky.

"So I'm asking favors of a dead person now… this is just how weak I am. I've come crawling to a grave to ask for absolution. Just like when I crawled to Lucifer. He's gone now. Saburota's gone now. So much for 'salvation'."

He looked down at himself, the uniform mangled but with minor wounds. "But I also wonder… if you knew this might happen to me. If you gave me your training because you didn't want me to be pushed into a situation where my abilities could be exposed. That really, all you did was to protect both me and Rin?"

He might've been laughing or screaming, his voice was too hoarse for him to tell.

"I've made a real mess of it all, haven't I? I'll probably be executed or locked away. People who've done what I've done don't deserve anything less. But strangely… it's not so bad. Right in this place, right at this moment, I'm here."

He lay there until the water had soaked into his back and his temperature was the same as the pavement. The wind occasionally wailed. Crows croaked their idle tunes. The sounds of the life he had were absent. It was like he had walked into an alternate dimension where humans and demons never existed, a world of isolation and serenity.

It might have been days or minutes before he heard the sound of footsteps approaching. He pulled himself up, sitting cross-legged, and waited.

"Are you going to run away?" Rin asked flatly.

"No." The weight of the word sunk into Yukio's chest. He'd said it before a thousand times, but he realized he finally meant it.

"I thought you might be here." Rin sat beside him. "After passing the exams, I'd come here often to talk to him. Last time we were all here together was Shiro's funeral. We never really talked that day."

"No." He could've left it at that, but the memory dragged out the words he had never said. "I told you it was because I thought you were dangerous, but that wasn't the case. I lived with you for fifteen years and know you'd never hurt me. You're Rin."

Rin scratched his head and looked confused. "Y'know, you've said that a few times and I don't really get it. I mean, of course I'm Rin, that's kinda my name."

Yukio chuckled. That's fine; I don't even really understand it myself. "You're infuriating. Amazing, but infuriating."

"Tch, you're one to talk about being amazing and infuriating! You're Mr. Scholarship Student and you led me on a heckuva wild goose chase!"

"Yeah." When Rin talked about what had happened, it just seemed like a fight from when they were kids, when Father would give them both a time-out. Things weren't so simple anymore. There was too much, and he wasn't sure if everything could be so easily fixed.

But… he owed it to Rin to try.

"Rin, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what I've put you through."

The apology constricted his chest, already hearing the chorus of "too late" filling his mind. The possibilities ran through his head.

He was scared. That Rin would deny it. That Rin would laugh it off and say it wasn't necessary.

That Rin would accept it.

Instead, Rin didn't say a word. The apology hung in still air.

Maybe Rin already knew that he didn't want words. Maybe that was the best for someone like him who could turn any word into disappointment and fear. Was he apologizing for his actions or fishing for forgiveness? He didn't even know anymore.

"Get to talk to the old man?" Rin was watching the grave.

"Sort of."

Rin turned towards him and gave his trademark I'm-the-best-comic-in-the-world grin. "I bet you said some really sappy things!"

"Actually, I yelled at him and told him he had no right to hide the truth. About us."

Rin's expression changed and he nodded. "I know how that feels."

Rage suddenly surged. "No you don't! You couldn't see demons and it didn't make sense to tell you, but I did, so I was taught to protect you and myself! How could I do that if I didn't know?!"

"Sure it might've made 'sense', but we're siblings! We help each other even if no one else will! If I had known what you were seeing and fighting maybe I could've been there with you, and you wouldn't have felt so alone."

Alone? The anger that had broken out was fading rapidly, and that word echoed in his head.

"I- I wasn't…"

The gears in his mind turned frantically to twist it into denial or mockery but no matter how he tried, he knew Rin was right.

He'd felt alone. As far back as he could remember, the world was like looking through a one-way mirror. No one could see the ghastly nightmarish creatures surrounding him, invisible tormentors. They'd wait, wait until no one was around and strike. No one could see him fall and cry for help. Not Father. Not Rin. He'd screamed, beaten his fists against the glass to no avail. It was destined to never be broken.

Until one day he couldn't bear it anymore and declared that he would always be alone and that was fine. If it defined him, he wouldn't feel the pain. He'd be numb… and that was the way he'd chosen to live.

The heat was in his face and he was crying.

"I was alone."

Rin pulled him close into his shoulder, close enough that Yukio could hear Rin's heart beat. "You aren't anymore."

They sat like that for a while. He didn't know how long. Even after he stopped crying, the fears still rampaged in his head. Somehow they seemed smaller.

Slowly his mind quieted, the white noise subsumed by the heartbeat. The exhaustion began to hit and he caught himself at the edge of dozing.

"Started to fall asleep there." His voice was muzzy. "… Rin?"

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked up to see Rin snoozing away, drooling all over the exorcist uniform.

He smiled softly. Some things never change, but…

"Yeah." He said to himself. "I think it's gonna be okay now."


End file.
